Eleven months ago, Will and I started trying for a baby brother or sister for our dear Ella. I was sure it would happen fast-definitely within the first 3 months of trying. I suppose that's because we weren't trying for our first (I conceived our Glory Baby 3 months after we married), and we weren't trying for Ella (we had decided to wait until Dec. to try; she was conceived in October). So needless to say, I knew nothing of the struggles of infertility-or in the case now-secondary infertility. I would hear prayer requests at our Bible Study class-please pray for us to conceive-and I would, but I knew nothing of their pain. Now I can say I at least know a little of what it's like to be so disappointed month after month, to leave the bathroom with tears streaming down, knowing once again, your womb is empty. And one of the hardest things was knowing that as each month passed, Ella was going to be that much older than her sibling.
Last month, after starting again, I cried out to God. It went something like this, "God, obviously I can't do this; we've tried and tried at what I thought were all the right times. This is not going to happen unless You desire it. Only You are the Creator of life. Please open my womb again." That was my first step in surrendering.
Then this past Saturday, I was driving to a nearby town with Ella in the back seat and the tears started flowing. I had been taking my temps and saw that they were falling some right before my period was to start and knew, yet again, it wasn't going to be this month. So inwardly I cried out, asking "God, why? Why don't you want me to have another one? Don't you want a sibling for Ella? Isn't that a good thing?" And then I heard Him so clearly. "Beloved, will it be okay if all I grant you is Ella? Will you still trust that I know best if I give you no more children?" And I hesitated. And cried. And looked back at my angel through the rear view mirror. And finally,through many tears, said, "Okay, God. You know best. I will trust you."
Sunday came-the dreaded day-and I was prepared-not happy-but prepared that there would be other months to try and that God was in control. But Sunday came and went. Still I didn't have high hopes. I had been late before. Monday came and went. I did notice my temps were going back up again. And so, yesterday, I took a test. And there was much rejoicing in my bathroom, let me tell you! Much praising to my God, my Lord, who had heard my cry even before my last surrender-but He had wanted that surrender, I am sure.
Ella was the first to find out. When I told her, at first she looked a little confused and questioned, "Ella's Mommy?" I said yes, and then she kissed my tummy and said, "Love tiny baby." I had already decided months and months ago (like last March) how I was going to tell Will whenever it happened; I purchased a shirt for Ella that said, "I'm the Big Sister." When he arrived home from work yesterday, she had it on and said, "Look Daddy; new shirt." He looked at it and said, "But who are you the big sister to?" Then he stared at me incredulously; "You're pregnant?" "Yes," I shouted and he picked me up in his arms for a spin around the kitchen.
And, of course, I had to take another test this morning, just to be sure. Once again, the plus sign came across the screen so clear.
We are rejoicing here, friends. And I want to thank all of you for your prayers. Please continue to pray for our little one's safety. It's hard not to worry after having a miscarriage, but I'm trying to just focus on now. For now, I am pregnant. God has heard my cry. There is a tiny life inside me. And I am ever so glad.
And for my friends who are still trying, please know that I am continuing in my prayers for you.
Here's the proud big sister.